


Find You

by chellygelly



Category: Kuroko no Basuke | Kuroko's Basketball
Genre: Anxiety, Childhood Friends, Depression, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Romance, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-04
Updated: 2020-05-31
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:00:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 18,588
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24003997
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chellygelly/pseuds/chellygelly
Summary: Where does one find refuge when the world has been too harsh that it left you irreparable?One call from Alex at 3am changed Kagami Taiga and Eiri Nanami's life forever;  uncovering truths about life that Kagami never knew would be possible especially for Nanami. Nanami has always been stuck in the darkness for as long as Kagami has known her. However, the road to her recovery is a long and complicated one. Still, Kagami believes that a fresh slate, a new environment can help her heal and he'll do everything in his power to see this through.Can Nanami find herself in a new place and can a certain fellow in Japan help her take the big leap of finally believing that her life is something worth living?
Relationships: Aomine Daiki/Kagami Taiga/Reader, Aomine Daiki/Original Female Character(s), Aomine Daiki/Reader, Kagami Taiga/Original Female Character(s), Kagami Taiga/Reader
Comments: 3
Kudos: 13





	1. One: Somber

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: This story contains themes of depression, suicide, suicidal thoughts, and anxiety. Please proceed reading at your own risk.   
> AUTHOR’S NOTE: I’m somehow back? I apologize if you recognize me in my other fics, I know I had been MIA for such a long time, but please understand that I was, and still am, going through a difficult battle with personal stuff. I’m really sorry! I will try my best to finish everything I started, if only I can make myself feel better. :( I had always thought I can no longer write with gusto anymore. It has been such a long time since I found myself crying over my inability to write… I still do. I cried while creating the plot of this fic in my head. I couldn’t write my other stories properly and end them due to personal reasons… However, I suddenly got the urge to write and luckily, it was for KnB. I’m so sorry for a sad story, but I guess the OC here is very close to my heart. Please go easy on me, been very rusty since the last time I wrote. :)

i.

It was usual of her to disappear for short periods of time. Usually, she did this whenever her mind has been too noisy of needless anxieties or she simply needed time for herself to recuperate from the tiring world she had been living in. She loved her independence more than anything. One would immediately know if she wanted to be found or if she wanted more time to be by herself. Some would think she kept to herself too much--- _too often_ , that it sparks worry for those who bother enough with her to worry. Yet, she would always show up every single time she feels a sliver of worry towards her has been expressed; looking refreshed and fine, as if nothing was ever wrong… She’d continue to do this, until all worry has been forgotten.

It was usual for her to be there one moment… and another, she’s not. She always found ways to come back. She always promised she would. _She just needed time away._

It was, however, _unusual_ for Kagami Taiga to get a call from her at 3 in the morning during one of those moments where she would ask him silently that she doesn’t want to be found. More so when it wasn’t her voice he heard on the other end, but the voice a frantic Alex telling him something that makes him shoot off his bed and rush for thrown clothes on the ground and out of his house.

~

_“Sometimes, does the thought touch your mind… even for just a fleeting second?” she looked up him as she munched on her sandwich, her silver eyes pinned to his._

_“No. Never.” Kagami replied, his brows put together. This is a weird question coming from her. “Does it touch yours?” he added._

_She was quiet for a moment. Based on the prolonged silence he knew she wouldn’t give him an answer, so he gave up and just shrugged the thought. Until he heard her say something so faint that he almost thought he was mistaken if he didn’t know her voice too well._

_“I do. All the time.”_

~

Kagami ran as fast as he could to the hospital where Alex told him where she was. He ran even if his feet hurt too much and he couldn’t breathe. He felt cold and he can feel himself shaking. He couldn’t focus on anything but the sinking feeling and the fast beating of his heart as he rushed to where Alex was. In his panicked state, he wanted to convince himself that this was all a dream; a pathetic nightmare that soon would wake him up abruptly from his bed, covered in sweat as he slowly realizes that he’s in his room and it wasn’t real.

It couldn’t be.

He doubled his run as he sees the neon signage of the emergency room of the hospital in sight. _No, don’t let it be true._ As he entered the emergency room, his eyes quickly scanned his surroundings, looking for Alex’s blonde head. He needed to breathe, yet the current situation rendered him breathless as he waited for anybody to tell him what the hell was going on.

After all, news as outrageous as this was something one cannot properly decipher in an instant, especially at 3am in the morning.

Kagami turned to his side as he felt a grip on his right arm. His eyes landed on green pair of eyes swirling with emotion that made him feel like the ground would open and swallow him whole. He wanted to ask her what the hell was happening. He wanted to talk toAlex, scream at her to stop staring at him as if somebody just died. He could no longer stare at the misery her eyes exuded. He couldn’t take it. He had to know now. Yet, he found no words of comfort nor anything eloquent to say to her.

“Taiga… Oh Taiga.” Alex breathed as she leaned her head on his shoulder, her grip on his arm tightening. He finally found the strength to grasp her hand.

He closed his eyes tightly. Asking himself to get a grip. “W-what happened, Alex? Where is she?” he finally gasped.

Alex didn’t answer. All they could hear was the busy environment of the emergency room. Numerous voices and sound creating the music of urgency, worry, and business.

“Alex.” He said, clearly this time.

She slowly looked up at him, slowly swallowing as she tried to stop the tears from flowing.

“She’s done it, Taiga.” She whispered. “Blood…” she took a deep breath before she continued. “When I found her there was blood everywhere… She wasn’t breathing, she looked so pale...” Alex kept on murmuring different things, but they never reached Kagami’s ears anymore. The moment Alex said Nanami did it, the cold feeling started to spread from his stomach all over his body. The realization rendering him motionless and speechless. He closed his eyes again.

 _No… it can’t be. This isn’t real._ He kept repeating this to himself as he fought the insidious realization of the harsh reality that doused him awake and miserable. As he stood there in the middle of the emergency room with Alex, he finally understood that this was not some sick joke or dream anymore.

Nothing can ever be more real than realizing that Nanami tried to end her life.

ii.

_Taiga,_

_If you get your hands on this, it can only mean two things: One, I am far off somewhere that you can never reach me or two, it isn’t my time yet… I guess. I know this must be something shocking for you, but please do understand that I have my reasons… albeit I’m finding it hard to explain it properly, but the reason’s there._

_There are a lot of things that I regret in my life but meeting you and staying by your side is something I will never regret. Taiga, you were my one and only light when I was too lost in the darkness. It comes and goes, Taiga. One moment I want to be happy, another moment I want to disappear. I tried fighting it. I really did. But no matter how I tried to swim away from the dark sticky tar, it would always find its way to stick onto me and pull me down._

_I have no excuse to tell you, but I’m just too tired, Taiga. I’m tired of my mind constantly telling me how I have no right to be happy; that I do not deserve genuine happiness. It is as if all my life, I have been trying to prove myself to everyone that I am enough. That maybe, if I get to be enough for the people who matter to me, then maybe I would start thinking of myself as somebody who is worthy… somebody who is enough._

_But I won’t ever be enough in anything, will I?_

_I’m tired, Taiga. I hate all of it. The darkness, the heaviness, the anxiety that I am doing things wrong, that I am not doing the best I can to live a life. I’m tired of it all. I wanted to call for help, but I cannot drag you down with me. I’m tired of crying myself in the morning as soon as I realize that I am alive for another day of miserable bullshit. I feel so miserable Taiga. I don’t know how to help myself anymore, but this. I want to rest. I want peace. I don’t want to wake up to the world’s expectation anymore. I just want to leave._

_I’m writing this letter because I couldn’t say goodbye to you personally because hearing your voice will make me lose my resolve and I will be doubly miserable if I don’t end myself now. It’s what I know that’s best for me, Taiga. Please understand._

_I know you’ll be angry with me for a spell… or more. I’m so sorry, Taiga. For leaving you behind. I’m so sorry because I never told you and showed you how dark my life is. I wanted to take you apart from all of this. I wanted you safe from me, I want you safe from the darkness. I’m sorry, I never told you._

_You’re the most special thing that I have in my life and it is a biggest regret that I won’t be there to see your success as the best basketball star in the universe. No matter what happens, Taiga, always remember the promise we both made. I’ll always be watching over you, no matter where you are... no matter what I am._

_Please let Alex and Tatsuya know that I am sorry for not saying goodbye. Never tell them why I did this... however, I think they already know._

_I’m so sorry for everything, Taiga. For putting you through this. Please don’t mourn for me. Celebrate our happiest memories every time you think of me or miss me. Always remember how you always made me laugh, the shenanigans we all went through. Because you made me be at my happiest… during the times I allowed myself to be._

_I love you, Taiga. Thank you so much for coming into my life. For always being there. You’ll always be my best friend, no matter what._

_Thank you for always trying to find me, again and again._

_I’m sorry._

_Eiri Nanami_

Kagami’s hand was shaking as he read the supposedly letter Nanami would leave him if she never was found in her home, lying in her own pool of blood. Alex was taking a nap by the seat on the window, finally giving in to sleep after the most emotional and traumatic scene she just witnessed. Alex was the one who found her unconscious at her home after she suddenly had a weird feeling of needing to see Nanami for no particular reason at all. Alex had the indubitable gut feeling. She knew something was not right so she rushed to where Nanami was and found her at home, unresponsive and bloody.

The hospital room was so dark and so quiet that he had to step out, he was afraid he would lose his mind and shake Nanami awake to get his explanation. He found himself plopping on the benches right outside the rooms. He looked at his phone and saw that it was already 4:30am. This was the most nerve wracking and life changing one hour and thirty minutes of his life. He never felt so helpless in his life. In a short span of time, he almost lost her. He shut his eyes again as he willed himself to stop thinking. He didn’t lose you… not yet. Kagami sat there at the bench in his own reverie when the police talked to him and handed him the letter Nanami haf addressed to him.

“I’m so sorry you had to go through this. I believe Miss Eiri’s living relative is out of the country and you and your father were declared as her guardians.” The police did a run-down of the events until they placed her in the room, to wait for her to gain consciousness… if she would ever open her eyes.

“You have our sympathies, Mr. Kagami. It was a close call, but cases like this… it’s the mental recovery that is harder. It hurts not only her but the people around her, too.” The police added. Kagami said nothing. He didn’t have the strength to. He felt the police clasping his shoulder, lending him strength.

“It’s late, young man. Please take a rest. The doctors said she lost too much blood. It was a close call, but she’ll open her eyes.” And with that the police left him alone.

He felt himself put his hand to his face as if he was trying to erase the swirl of emotions he was feeling. He still couldn’t believe it. She almost left. She almost succeeded. He knew she had been battling with the darkness for so long, but he never realized that she’d soon find the only resolution she could think of.

_Don’t go somewhere I can’t reach you, Nan. Don’t._

He used to tell her that when they were children. He used to get so worried for her because she would always hide some place that nobody would know and soon would show up afterwards when she felt okay.

“Fuck.” Was all he could say. This was a messed-up thing, really. Kagami doesn’t know how else he could help her out of this if she couldn’t help herself. But guilt also weighed on his him because he didn’t realize it sooner. He was the only person who could get to her thoughts and silence her anxieties even for a short moment, yet he never assumed it will all end like this.

He thought he was already doing his best for her.

He sighed as he felt the weariness crash over him. He stood up from the bench and he folded the letter and kept it in his pocket. He slowly opened the door to her hospital room; the beeping of the monitoring machine was the only sound he could hear. The bed where she lay, pristine white amidst the darkness of the room, emphasized her presence to him. _Here she is, young man. Barely, but still breathing_. His father's voice boomed in his head. He took another silent sigh as he wondered how is he going to explain it to his father and her uncle. He slowly approached her sleeping figure and sat on the chair beside her bed. He stared at her pale face. Eyelashes fanning over her cheeks as she slept, her breathing even, her lips pale. She looked like a sleeping princess if somebody just stared at her and ignored the hospital set up. Long brown curls a mess on the pillows, her expression so peaceful as if she was just taking a night’s sleep.

However, Kagami cannot ignore her bandaged arms. The roll of bandages started from her wrists up to her arms before her elbows. That will eventually turn into a scar that she had to see and remind her of another painful memory soon. These cuts must’ve hurt a lot. Thinking of the pain she felt during that time made him grit his teeth as he slowly held her hand and placed his forehead on the hand he was holding.

“What were you thinking, Nan…” he whispered. “What were you thinking…” his whispers became soft, painful gasps as he spoke to nobody, and no matter how many times he spoke, silence only served as his response. He took another look at her as she lay there, and his chest hurt. 

An hour and thirty minutes ago, he thought he would lose her forever. The thought of that made him shake with fear. He had been with her for such long time that he couldn’t imagine them being separated.

If one was lost, the other will always try their best to find the missing. How can he do that when she went to somewhere that the living cannot travel to?

Misery ate him alive and he could feel himself succumbing to it as he held her hand, so light and cold. He again placed his forehead on her hands, closed his eyes again, forcing himself to dismiss the scary thoughts and allowed himself to cry.


	2. Two: The Tar Pit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **WARNING** : This story contains themes of depression, suicide, suicidal thoughts, and anxiety. Please proceed reading at your own risk.  
> 
> 
> **AUTHOR’S NOTE** : I know, I know. It’s the 2nd chapter yet it gets darker especially when our lenses are focused on Nanami’s side of the story. Believe me when I say that I almost broke down writing this chapter because it’s very difficult to translate these emotions in writing. However, I needed to show Nanami’s side of it all so that she can be understood and so that we can establish her character bit by bit. I’m still torn on who’ll be her hero for this story. But let’s see where my mind takes me, but your suggestions are very much welcome. :) Thank you again for reading my story, I apologize for the dark start, but things will get better for the characters, I promise. :)

i.

_ “So tell me, Nan. How are you feeling today?” my therapist, Todd Watson, asked me as we both settled down in his office. I have been meeting with my therapist for a long time now. He had been a friend and family to me. He never saw me as his patient or somebody he needed to heal through endless medications, but he treated me as if I was a little sister that needed guidance. People who live in this complicated world rarely get people who genuinely care, and I’m thankful Todd is one of them in mine.  _

_ I have been in one of the worst relapses recently that made me think of the final resolution and encouraged me to push through with it this time. I just wanted to see Todd to talk to somebody who knew enough for… I don’t know --- persuasion perhaps? And so that I can also say goodbye. Todd was the one who knew, he was the only one who listened properly, other than Taiga.  _

_ I looked out his window as I think of what I should answer to his simple inquiry. The weather was nice, it stirred pleasant feelings for the mundane. Made one want to do some walking around. However, the nicety of the weather or even the view outside didn’t reach me at all. I saw a plain image with color, yet I get no inviting nor a mere pleasant vibe from it.  _

_ In fact, I despised it. Immensely. _

_ “Nan.” his voice prompted the worry and urgency that I jumped out of my reverie and I turned back to him. I smiled to hide the wretchedness that started to unfold in me so he wouldn’t worry.  _

_ How pathetic… I even lie to my own therapist because I don’t want him to see… I don’t want him to know.  _

_ “I’ve had worse days, Todd. But it’s still the same…”  _

_ I’ve decided.  _

_ Yup, today’s the perfect day.  _

ii.

_ I felt myself smile a little as I skim through the photos I displayed around my house. It’s already 2am and I couldn’t sleep. My mind has been boggling me with thoughts on whether or not I should make up my mind. I slowly analyzed each photo and what milestone I achieved in these captured candidness. Milestones that made me feel elated. Photographs that reminded me that I felt something close to happiness in my whole existence here. Looking at these made me forget my focus on my mind’s noise. It helped me calm down, even if it’s just for a little bit. Usually, seeing the faces of the people I loved in these frames helped me stand my ground. They made me want to fight. Recently, they don’t spark these kinds of emotions in me anymore. I feel nothing. _

_ I wondered maybe tonight, it might do something and make me rethink my plan. Maybe somehow this might give me an answer to what I have always been looking for. Maybe it can also be the push I just needed.  _

_ I see Taiga’s face in almost all of the photos that were on display. From our preschool presentation photos, his street basketball tournaments, our middle school days, my first modelling gig, my public announcement as the heiress of our family company, our yearly Christmas card photo shoots with Alex and Tatsuya. Seeing this made me stop and stare at each and every one of the photos again. I can feel despair and fear spread through me as I reach out to one of the photos with shaky hands.  _

_ Taiga. Oh god. _

_ I’ll be leaving Taiga behind if I do this. I’ll hurt him. My hands stopped at a photo where he was hugging me from behind. I covered my mouth to stop myself from wailing as the weight of the situation crashed on me. I suddenly felt weak and I couldn’t hold myself up any longer. I felt myself grasp the photo frames and knock them down with me as I slid to the floor, now a crying mess.  _

_ Typical. Sometimes I just break down for no reason. And they said it was okay to be this way. They said it was healthy to let yourself go and cry.  _

_ It wasn’t okay.  _

You’ll never be enough for anybody. Not even for Taiga, Alex, or your uncle. You will never be able to surpass your weakness. You’re too weak. You do not deserve to be happy. You’ll always be somebody they just know. Their world won’t stop if you disappear. Everything will be better once you’re gone. You’re a failure and will always be one. Nobody cares for you. You’ll always be alone. You’ll be called crazy if they know what you’re feeling. Yes, you’re crazy because women like you should not exist in the world you’re in. Nobody is as weak as you are. You’re weak. Weak, weak, WEAK. Your existence was a mistake. You shouldn’t be here. Everything will be better if you’re not here. Whatever you do, no matter how hard you try, it’s all the same. You’ll never be enough. 

_ These thoughts repeatedly run through my mind, rendering me a crying fool on my floor. “Stop.” I whisper to nobody in particular. Though trying to block off these thoughts is moot. I know it’s consuming me inside and out. The stronger the voices become, the darker and heavier I feel. I shut my eyes as tightly as I could. I tried to regulate my breathing, tried thinking of something else; however, I could feel the familiar coldness prickling my senses, blinding me of any rational thought. I start to shake, my breaths coming in as gasps as I let my tears, my pain, my suffering, my hatred of myself blind me into seeing the light. I let myself be a miserable mess amidst all the broken glass from the numerous photo frames I knocked down. Slowly, the heaviness started to spread, the cold numbness, and the helplessness.  _

_ And I finally let it eat me alive.  _

_ I felt the dark tar pull me slowly down back the tar pit and I no longer fought it. I sat there and I let it take me.  _

_ I’m so tired.  _

_ It was tiring enough to spend your energy crying all day or pretending to be okay, but it’s a lot more tiresome to fight the darkness that claims you immediately, because no matter how much resistance you put up, it still gets you all the same. I cannot escape this any more, no matter how many times I follow Todd’s advice.  _

“Look for the positive voice, Nan. No matter how little that voice is. Find it, cling on to it. Don’t let go. Don’t ever let go until the darkness and heaviness disappears.” 

_ “HOW?!” I growled. I managed to let go of the voice every single time the darkness comes and tries to pull me back into the pit. It’s so tiring to wake up every single day. Disappointment looming over you for being able to open your eyes to a fucking new day that will just bring you an extra ounce of misery. Every morning, I try to smile, to function properly, yet at the end of it all, I still feel… empty. Like nothing here in my waking life is worth looking forward to. It’s just… a world. It changes and leaves me behind. Maybe I really shouldn’t be living in it, anyway. I’m so tired of the endless pain I feel every time. I’m so tired of finding the reason as to why I am like this and always end up with nothing at all. I’m so tired of trying to fight it when in the end I just go and fall back, no matter how far I’ve gone with the resistance, I still manage to fall face down back in the tar pit. I tried swimming away from it, yet I’m too stuck in it and I can’t go out.  _

_ I tried relying on medications, yet they give me highs and immense lows that the darkness loved to devour. It was useless. All of this is useless. Why should I fight, when I can ride along the waves? Why not give it what it wants? Maybe then, I’ll find the peace, the quiet, and the solace I have been longing for… _

_ Maybe in death they can finally let me go and be free.  _

_ I felt my resistance slip away from me as I welcomed the darkness that consumed me whole. I now felt heavy, immovable, and numb. I stared blankly at everything as I waited for it to pull down as it always does. I slowly looked around the place I called home for such a long time. This will be again, another memory. Every crevice, every corner, all of it will change once I no longer inhabit it; showing me how irreplaceable I am to the world. Slowly, the tiny voice of ideas I entertained the entire morning grew stronger, louder. Booming across the walls of my mind, echoing the only solution I knew would give me peace.  _

_ I slowly felt my hands holding the broken glass of the photo frames I knocked down. Shaking, I tried grasping it tighter as I slowly stood and went to my desk to write the goodbyes I wasn’t able to do. I felt new tears coming in my eyes as I started writing my last letter to Taiga. Remembering his smiling face, the way his eyes would soften as he looked at me… remembering it made me feel a little warm, but I can feel myself drifting from the warm comfort his memory gave me.  _

If he knows how dark I am, he would leave. He would leave me so it’s better to leave them all first. 

_ I finished the letter I wrote and I held on the broken glass again as I made my way to the bathroom. I turned on the water to help me numb myself more. Looked down at my hands, they’re still shaking, but not enough for me to let go of the broken glass. I closed my eyes as I looked up and let the cold water fall on my face, drenching my entire being; bringing me comfort and consolation that this was the right thing to do. _

_ This is the only pain.  _

“You see, Nanami. Miserable beings such as this little bird here, shouldn’t be left to suffer. A permanent injury to their wings would render them useless, it makes them miserable. Why must we watch them be miserable when we can help them end the pain and let them be free?”  _ I heard my uncle's voice in my head. Repeating the same thing.  _

_ Maybe in this life, I am that little bird. Helpless because I can no longer fly. Miserable and in pain. I clench my teeth as I finally do the damage and I feel myself go instantly weak and intense pain enveloped my body. I can feel everything flow out in me, making me shake more. I didn’t have to look at what I had done. The pain I did was proof enough that the damage has been done. I kept my head up and my eyes closed. I felt myself let go of the glass and I let myself feel the silence. The long lost silence I have been yearning for. I feel my lips go dry as my strength leaves my body. I smile as I feel lighter and lighter, my vision slowly fading to black. _

_ Finally. I’m free. _

_ “Time to fly.” I whisper and I remember nothing else.  _

iii. 

The moment I opened my eyes all I could see was white. I tried closing my eyes again to regain my vision properly and when I opened them again, my other senses followed. I am staring at a white ceiling, the smell of cleanliness and alcohol reaching my nose and I can hear the beeping sound of something beside me. 

Is that my heart beat? 

I look to my side and see two people sleeping. One by the window, another beside me. I slowly looked at my hands… they’re covered in bandages.

I’m alive. I still lived… 

The sudden disappointment upon realizing that I wasn’t able to go made my eyes sting with tears as I shut them tightly. Willing myself to sleep again and maybe, just maybe, I won’t be here in the hospital but somewhere lighter. Somewhere better than here. I was so weak that a cry rang out of me as I cried. I heard the person sleeping beside me stir and call out my name. 

“Nan? Nanami?” he called out to me. 

I opened my eyes and I saw two crimson pairs stare right back. And I lost it. 

He shot himself up and called me over and over as he slowly sat beside me, touching my face, whispering comforting words as he too cried with me. “Taiga? Is Nanami-? Oh god Nanami you’re awake!” I hear Alex’s voice from the window. I heard her quickly shuffle and walk to my bed to see me, touch my face as she too cried while Kagami held me. She looked at the both of us and she nodded. “I’ll go get the doctor.” and she left. 

“I’m s-sorry. I’m so sorry.” I kept on mumbling. Feeling disappointed and angry at myself for being here. Alive, breathing, and well. I hated it. I should’ve been gone. The light flying feeling was so close and God dangled it away from me again. 

“Thank God. Thank God.” I felt Taiga’s hands around me tighten and all the anger, disappointment, and misery disappeared. I buried my face in his chest as I cried. “I’m so tired, Taiga. I’m so sorry, I’m so tired.” I said. I felt him kiss the side of my head as he sniffled. 

“I know, I know.” he whispered over and over, until my mind was filled with nothing but the soft comforting words he murmured against my ear as he held me close. 

Suddenly, I no longer felt the cold. 

Yet, I still hated the fact that I am still breathing. 

_ Why won’t you just let me die?  _


	3. Three: Fresh Slate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **WARNING:** This story contains themes of depression, suicide, suicidal thoughts, and anxiety. Please proceed reading at your own risk.
> 
> **AUTHOR’S NOTE:** I now introduce you to Uncle Kagami!

i

_ “Hey, Taiga. Are you close with Nanami?” one of my classmates in school used to ask me.  _

_ “Yes, we’ve known each other for so long.” I answered. I was wondering what intention this guy has for Nan. It’s either he’d talk shit about her to me or he’d ask help in getting her number. “Why?”  _

_ He shrugged. “Nothin’... She just looks… distant. We’re all shocked because you get through her, but when guys ask her out, she closes up like a clam! You know, that beauty of hers will go rot n’ waste if she won’t give anybody a chance.” he shuddered. “I don’t understand what people love or like about her. I mean she is a rich kid and a model of her own company, but really? How would you like somebody that high off your reach?” he asked Kagami.  _

_ “Man, you’re just too stupid for her.” Kagami muttered.  _

_ “She’s a hot mess, I tell ya that. But be careful man. Don’t go fallin’ for her. I smell trouble in her and it ‘ain’t good.” with that the guy left.  _

ii.

Eiri Nanami was a force to be reckoned with. She naturally possesses a very strong personality which sets her apart from ladies her age. She would always call out bullshit when she sees one, she gives unfiltered advice, and she is practically tactless and blunt to a fault. People who wouldn’t be used to her personality would always think she was difficult or too intimidating, no matter how beautiful she was to look at. However, Kagami knew she did this to protect herself from the world. It was how she was trained to live. This was the only way she knew how to survive. 

Possessing strong, piercing, gray eyes, people found it hard to decipher how she can possess such doll-like features with her pale skin, small stature, and naturally curled brown locks. She was a contradiction. It takes guts to get close to her because she can either stare you down to back away or give you a cut-direct that would scar you for life. People think she’s too full of herself because of her exemplary intelligence and capabilities. People think of her as an unfeeling doll on first encounters, yet if they try hard enough to try and understand her for who she is, she is apparently, just like any other girl. She blushes when she’s embarrassed, she cries, she gets angry over trivial things, she gets hurt. 

After all, she is a human being. 

The only difference was this human being always spoke her mind. 

Alex was captivated by her beauty but she was more amazed with Nanami because she was too mature for her age. Tatsuya loved her like a little sister and treasured her and made sure she was protected at all costs. However, it was Kagami that had known her the longest and understood her in ways she didn’t even realize. 

To his other family, she was precious and fragile. But to Kagami, she was a warrior and she was extremely one of a kind. Kagami couldn’t remember the longevity of their acquaintance. All he could remember was her curly pigtails as she hid behind her father’s legs when they were introduced together at their parents’ workplace and the rest progressed as naturally. They were inseparable from the moment she pulled his hair for being disobedient to his mother.

Kagami witnessed Nanami’s life unfold before his eyes as he was the only constant being she had from dire infancy up until she grew up as a lady. He was there to see her mourn when she lost her own family, leaving her orphaned and reliant on a very distant and strict uncle. He saw her struggle as they tried to get rid of her child-like innocence and replaced them with a shell of a woman that wasn’t supposed to be seen in a girl at such a young age. He witnessed her get strung in the tunes of her uncle, transforming her to somebody worthy of inheriting their family company; their only legacy as the Eiri clan. He watched her smile less and less; witnessed how her eyes slowly lose the innocent wonder and admiration to the world, being replaced with blankness, devoid of any emotion. He has been in her life too long that he already memorized every antics and movement she made. No matter how much she grew, no matter how vast her change in personality is, he  _ just knew her. _

As he stared at her profile two days after she woke up from the incident, he never imagined that he would ever see her this way; wearing a bleary expression, dark circles under her eyes, thin, paler than she ever was, her eyes unfathomable as she stared at the view outside her hospital room. It unnerved him in the most disturbing way possible. Her therapist, Todd, was at the bed beside her. Trying to coerce an answer from her as he tried to get through her, but to no avail. 

Todd closed his eyes as he felt the effort he gave impossible. He stared at Kagami who was standing at the door, coming from a quick bath from his house. The two men stared at each other. And slowly, Todd looked away and shook his head. He gathered his things as he took Nanami’s silence as another signal that it was time for him to move to his next appointment. He reluctantly stood and slowly reached out to Nanami, eyeing her bandaged arms. 

“I’m leaving, Nanami. I’ll see you again tomorrow.” he said. Nanami gave him a very brief nod, indicating that she heard him. Yet, she made no move to look at him or even say goodbye. She continued to stare out the window. 

Kagami nodded and shook Todd’s hand as he passed him out the door. “Please, you’re the only one who can get through her now. I’m afraid for her, Taiga. She can do this again, if nobody can get through her…” Todd whispered. “This is the very first time I have seen her this miserable.” He shook his head again and left. 

Kagami went towards her as he heard the door shut close. Alex and Tatsuya came to visit her every day, however, they didn’t stay overnight anymore. They noticed how aggravating it was for Nanami to see them there everyday. Kagami knew she didn’t want to bother them so he asked the two to just visit her during the day and leave during the night. He promised he would stay with her and he never heard a protest from Nanami either so he took it as something she also wished. He slowly reached out to her as he grabbed her head and kissed her temple as he greeted her. Nanami closed her eyes at the contact, finding comfort at the simple gesture. 

Kagami sat down on the chair that Todd previously occupied. This chair was his bed for the last three days as he watched over Nanami as she slept most of the day. He would leave if he needed to bathe or get some things from his place, but he always went back to her just in case she needed somebody there. He took out his phone as he browsed through it, pretending he was just there, trying to be invisible for Nanami. He was waiting for her to lose interest in the window view so that he could try to talk to her. 

After her emotional outburst when she woke up, she wasn’t able to look at him in the eye anymore nor even form a coherent conversation with him. She was also unable to answer Alex’s simple questions or even Tatsuya’s sweet words of comfort. She acted as if they were not even there. Kagami knew it hurt the two, but they understood. At Nanami’s state right now, she was beyond the point of caring about anything else. 

Kagami knew she was mourning… Mourning the mere fact she wasn’t able to succeed in her plan. He needed to pull her out of her reverie. And he needed to do it now. 

He continued to pretend he was comfortable in the silent treatment she was giving him until he noticed a small movement from her as she looked at her hands. He began his attack. 

“Stop staring at them. They’ve been stitched together. They’re not gonna bleed anymore.” he said. She jumped at his voice. She suddenly looked at him. Her eyes wide with annoyance. “You’re mourning.” he stated. She continued to stare at him. He met her glare with his own. He could already feel himself growing irritated the longer she kept the silence. Though he managed enough to make her look at him… that’s a start. 

“Is that all you’re going to do? Stare at me and glare?” He prodded. He felt bad for being a jerk to her, but if this was the only way he could evoke emotion in her, then he’d do it until she cracked. She looked away. He scoffed. 

“Giving me a silent treatment won’t let you get rid of me, Nan. You should know that by now.” he ran his hands in his hair as he felt frustration prickle his mood. “I don't see you making an effort to let me leave the way you did Alex and Tatsuya, so I am assuming you need me here. But Nan, could you be more considerate of them at least?” he continued. 

_ I’m sorry, Nanami. I have to do this. I need you to respond.  _

Kagami glanced at her hands as he noticed that she gripped the blanket covering her lower half tighter. He slowly rejoiced as he was getting a register of emotion from her -- finally. 

“You won’t even talk to your therapist who rushed his way to you the moment he knew what you’ve done. Yet you never apologized. You just threw a tantrum and kept silent.” He continued to enumerate the things she’d done for the past two days that would irk even herself if the circumstances weren’t like this. He knew that she hated herself for being this way, but since her darkness is still within her, he knew she wasn’t acting like this in her own volition. 

“Are you a child, Nanami?” He added. “First, you wake up and throw a tantrum over finding out you opened your eyes at a hospital and not heaven. Second, you go silent on all the people who showed that they give a fuck about you. Third, you ignore me as if I wasn’t here, for what? For what, Nan?” He pushed her. Her knuckles are now growing white as she gripped the sheets tighter. 

“Still mute, Nanami?” Nothing.

“Seriously?” Still no response. 

“Woooow.” still no response. 

“How dare you. After you put me through something like this.” he said and suddenly his breath got stuck in his throat. He suddenly heard a choking sob from her and the next he knew she was grasping her chest as she cried. She bowed her head as she cried. 

He let her. However, he didn’t make a move to comfort her. He needed her to realize that she needs to snap out of it. He watched her cry her eyes out as she tried to mumble things to him that he couldn’t understand. He needed to exhaust her and let her release her frustrations so that he can finally help her feel lighter. 

A moment passed until she slowly stopped wailing. Her cries turned into sniffles and hiccups. Her hands returned in harassing the sheets as she grasped them. Kagami sighed and reached for a tissue by the table beside her bed and he sat beside her and raised her head up to wipe all the tears and snot he saw. 

“Geez. You cry like a snotty brat, you know that?” he murmured annoyed but his heart felt elated as he heard her sniffle and giggle softly. He got rid of the tissue he used in wiping her face as he slowly held her face so she wouldn't avert her gaze when he made his final attack. 

“Somebody’s waiting to talk to you.” he said. Once Nanami heard what he said, her eyes widened with fear. He didn’t want to do this now, but he was running out of time and the person who was eager to meet her was waiting outside eagerly. 

“No, Nan. It isn’t him.” he said softly as he brushed off her hair away from her face. Slowly her body calmed down. “Then who?” she whispered. 

Kagami sighed and looked at the door. 

“Dad.” he called out. The moment he said this, the door slowly opened, revealing a man in a navy blue polo shirt and black jeans. He looked like an old adult version of Kagami. 

“Nanami.” he whispered. Kagami slowly let Nanami go as he stepped aside to give way to his father as he ran and pulled Nanami in a crushing embrace. 

iii.

Nanami couldn’t breathe from the hug that Uncle Kagami gave her, yet she savored the warmth she received. She could feel the tremors from his body as he embraced her. He slowly let go of her and he repeated the gesture Kagami did when he wiped the wetness from her face from crying a while ago. 

“Taiga. Get out of the room first. I wanna talk to her alone for a bit.” Uncle Kagami ordered. Taiga need not be told twice so he opened the door and left. Once he was gone, Uncle Kagami looked at Nanami’s face. His thumbs brushed the dark circles under her eyes as his stare softened. 

“Did you know how worried we were when Kagami rushed out of the house at 3am? He called us the moment he was granted access to be in your room to give us the news.” he started. He started to sit on the chair that Taiga sat in a while ago. “D-does… he know?” she silently asked. Uncle Kagami shook his head. 

“He doesn’t need to know, Nanami. Given the amount of care he gives you on a regular basis, do you think we would even dare tell him what happened? Your uncle is an idiot, you know that. He was a genius in business, but he’s an idiot in everything else.” he crossed his feet. 

“Please hide this from him. He would find it bothersome.” she pleaded. Uncle Kagami nodded. “You have my word. He won’t now.” She nodded. “Thank you.” 

“I understand your circumstances, Nanami. I love you as if you are my own. Sometimes I wish I could swap you with that boy, you know. But I’m happy because you have him glued by your side. Which is good. His mother spoils him too much. You’re the balance.” He chuckled. 

Silence ensued for a while.

“Taiga’s moving to Japan.” He said softly. Nanami suddenly looked at him in shock. “Japan? Why?” 

“He needs to go back there sooner or later. Although, I can’t be there for him. The original plan was that the two of us will be moving back to Japan. But the business here needs to be taken care of, knowing how much your Uncle is away building that damn empire in Europe leaving you here alone.” Nanami listened. As much as she loved talking to Uncle Kagami, she knew there was something this conversation would lead to. 

“Uncle… what does that have to do with me?” she asked bluntly. Kagami’s father was still astounded at how blunt this child is. No matter how long he has known her, he still finds it hard to believe that she grew this way. Damn her uncle. If he only had his way, he would spoil her rotten and let her be a child, not convert her into a business robot. 

“You see, Taiga was adamant of going because he built a life here in America already. He enjoyed basketball enough that he went to school just to play it. However, no matter how idiotic that boy is, he understood the objective of him going to Japan.” he breathed. “Nanami, you know about this more than he did, right?” She nodded. “Always so perceptive.” She smiled at that. 

“Well yesterday he came to my office. My wife and I were preparing the things needed for his departure. However he made a request for me. Which came as a shock because that boy never asks anything from me unless it’s food.” 

“I’m pretty sure that shocked you, uncle. But again, where do I enter in all of this?” 

“You’re so blunt, you know that?” he grunted. “Well, that boy asked me if I could make some arrangements and bring you with him to Japan. He’s deporting you to Japan, Nanami. Shackling you with him, that idiot. Knowing what happened to you, I know that it was a good idea. You needed to go away from here. I may be old, but I understand how much this place suffocated the life out of you. Even if you didn’t do this, sooner or later, I would.” 

“Taiga… asked me to come with him?” 

“Yes. We gave our blessing, Nanami. I have seen you grow enough to know that a fresh slate is what you need. You won’t heal in the place that made you and hurt you this way in the first place.” He reached for her hand. Kissing each bandaged hand and smiling up at her. 

“But- my uncle.” She started. She knew her uncle would not allow her to leave America. He wanted her to graduate highschool here. “Ah that bastard said yes. I just dangled a carrot to him that since the Japan branch was opening, it was a perfect training for you to be there.” 

“He gave his blessing?” She looked incredulously at Uncle Kagami. He nodded. “I won’t go here to tell you myself if I didn’t finish the job. My dear Nanami, you should know your old Uncle Kagami better than that.” 

“I’m sorry. But how about the expenses?” She asked. “All done. What’s left is for me to find a school that would admit both of you. No worries about the place you’d live in too. I can place both of you in the apartment we bought there before. Although Taiga is already a young man, I know he won’t do anything silly to you. I already scared him for that.” 

Nanami stayed silent. This was too much to register and absorb. She didn’t expect her mind to be distracted this way. Although she felt the darkness slowly dissipate a little. She was being offered an escape from her trauma, her pain. Yet she doubts that the darkness would leave her alone if she left America. It stuck to her no matter where she went. But could she dare try? 

“It’s a distraction, Nanami. Think about it.” He looked at his watch and he stood again and sat beside her. He touched her face again. “Look at me, young woman.” he softly said. In all of Taiga’s life, he knew his father would only be this soft on his mother and only with Nanami. 

“I loved you as if you were my own little baby girl. I watched you grow with Kagami and I couldn’t have been any prouder of you. I know you think that what you did is an embarrassment, it wasn’t. I know you regretted not seeing through with it, but always remember that if you did, you’d leave people behind who would always have a void in their hearts for losing you.” he kissed her forehead. “Your loss would be a detrimental thing for my family. I, for one, would be incredibly devastated. Hearing about what happened made my wife hysterical. I would have died if we lost you. I’m telling you this because it’s true. Your uncle might have showed you life’s cruelty, yet I am hoping that my family showed you that it’s something holding on for a little bit longer.” 

Nanami’s eyes watered at hearing him say those words. She whispered an apology as he kissed her forehead again. 

“You’ll always be a part of our lives, Nanami. You’ve been so strong, my child. Let yourself heal this time.” She looked at him. 

“You of all people deserve that much.” Then he pulled her for an embrace again. 

A sudden knock on the door burst the bubble of comfort and fatherly love Nanami felt when she heard the door open and Taiga’s face popped in. “Old man, can I enter now?” he asked. Uncle Kagami looked at his son and shook his head.

“You can’t even bear fifteen minutes of your life without her. Damn son.” He stood. He looked at Nanami as he smiled softly. “I’ll be waiting for your decision. You know how you can reach me.” He turned for the door as Nanami nodded. 

“You take care of her, boy. Make sure she doesn’t feel any pain. Also answer your mom’s texts. She keeps pestering me. Now, walk me out of this place.” He pulled Taiga out the door. 

“Ah wait for me, Nan. I’ll be back.” Taiga said as both of them left. 

As Nanami watched the door close, she allowed herself to think. She leaned her back on the pillow that Kagami propped for her. 

_ Japan? Can I start over there?  _

“A fresh new slate, huh.” she murmured. 


	4. Four: Choices

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: This story contains themes of depression, suicide, suicidal thoughts, and anxiety. Please proceed reading at your own risk.

i.

“That old man, dragging me off again. Now it’s late…” Kagami muttered to himself as we made his way back to Nanami’s hospital room. He reached out for the door knob but the room opened before he did and a nurse got out from the room. “Ah, you’re here! The miss must be very lucky to have you always by her side. You’re such a good boyfriend.” she smiled and left before Kagami could even deny her assumption. He felt himself go warm with the nurse’s comment but he shrugged it off as he opened the door to Nanami’s room. 

The room was already dim. He looked over to her bed and he saw Nanami taking a nap. He sighed. He wanted to talk to her more. He had to break her this morning so that he would let his dad talk to her about moving to Japan, but now he wanted to finally discuss things with her, she’s asleep. Watching her at peace was one of the moments he treasured. They usually had a habit of falling asleep together whenever they were too tired of doing things on a usual basis, but he would always watch over her sleeping form, memorizing every nuance, every detail of her face and how she looked so calm and innocent. He loved watching her because he always got the feeling that she might slip from his grasp one day. 

She almost did. He shuddered.  _ She’s here. She’s not going anywhere. Not if I’m still alive.  _

He jumped as Nanami opened her eyes and stared squarely at him. Her grey eyes piercing him still at the door. “You came back.” she murmured as she slowly positioned herself into a sitting position to fully face him. Kagami nodded and went to sit beside her. 

“How’re you feeling?” He asked. “I’m alright… I guess.” She said. 

“Did dad get through you?” he inquired. She looked at him and flashed him a slight smile as she nodded. “He told me you went to him to ask me to be deported to Japan.” He winced at her accusation. He raised his arms to show defeat. “It was a suggestion, Nan.” he sighed as she looked at him warily. He knew she didn’t believe that one bit and he assumed, his dad told him the truth before he could. 

She stared back to the view outside her window as she sighed. She was quiet for a while.

“I’m sorry, Taiga.” 

“You’re sorry because of what happened or that you won’t accept the offer dad gave you?” he clarified. He could already feel himself feel cold. This would be bad if she refused the offer his father gave her. He did all he could to convince his dad yesterday, he even went to his knees as he cried. He needed to watch over her. He needed to get her away from America lest it will smother her more and she’ll be back to this kind of thinking. If that happened without him being there beside her, she would succeed if she did this again. He would lose her forever. “No, on the latter. I’m thinking about it.” he started at what she said. She was gripping the sheets again. She must be finding this conversation difficult because she knew where it would lead to. 

“Taiga--” she started. “Don’t give me any disclaimers now, Nan. If you wanna tell me, which you really should, go ahead. I’m here to listen.” he said. She turned to look at him with surprise. Was she expecting that he’d rage about her being so selfish? 

“I think the police gave you my supposedly suicide letter?” she started. She sighed as she shook her head. “There’s no excuse for what I’ve done. I won’t reason out and say petty things about it, either. I don’t know how to express it, but please believe me when I say that I’m really sorry for putting you guys through this unnecessary stress. It’s just… I’m so tired. I was so tired of pretending to be strong, Taiga. I’m sorry, I didn’t even tell you what I was feeling deep inside. I was afraid that by sharing the darkness, it would get you as well. I can’t lose you. You were the only thing that tried to anchor me above ground. But that night…. I was drowning and I couldn’t even reach you anymore.” she looked down at her hands as she closed them into fists and placed them on her eyes as she tried to think of what to say next. 

“How does it feel?” he asked. “Which one?” she looked at him, confused as to why he was interested in knowing. “Why are you--” she started to ask but stopped when he shrugged. “I am not such a lousy friend to just sit here and listen instead of trying to identify it with you so that I can help you more in preventing it and getting over it. I want to help you heal, Nanami.” he knew she was shocked by the way he’s accepting everything she was telling him. She chuckled. “You’re something else, Kagami Taiga. Really something else. A lady is already telling you her dark side and yet you dive into it immediately. Aren’t you even the least bit turned off?” she attempted to joke yet he shook his head. “Why would it be a turn off when it’s a part of you? If there’s something new to learn about you every single day, I’d take it.” he plainly stated. Nanami was taken aback at what he said, but if he wanted her to be honest, he would be too. He’s really determined in helping her recover from what she’s going through. 

No matter what it takes. 

ii.

“Hmmm. Bear with me. I’m having a hard time explaining it to you.” Nanami told Kagami. She knew she cannot escape his inquiries about what led her to this decision anymore. She wanted to be honest to him as well. It was the least she could do for all the things he had done for her especially during the days after she woke up in the hospital. She knew she was so childish, throwing a tantrum over her failure of succeeding in doing the suicide. Yet, she slowly, although reluctant at first, accepted that she’s not meant to leave yet. However, she knew the darkness will have its day still, but right now, in the company of Taiga, the darkness remained stagnant and calm. Taiga moved to remove his shoes and put his feet on top of her bed as he crossed them. He silently looked at her, telling her to continue. She laughed. This boy, really.  _ Well, he’s not gonna leave me any time soon, might as well talk to somebody instead of going crazy.  _

She took a deep breath. 

“It all boils down to me not appreciating myself at all. I hate myself so much. For all the mistakes, the failures that led to where I am right now in life. I know if you were to look at it, I am being a perfectionist again and I am being too hard on myself, but that is how I was raised. Making a mistake in my life is something that is not allowed, especially for Uncle Yuki. Even with my parents, they raised me to be a little bit too perfect, Taiga. Losing them left me with a void and the thought that I failed them. It all started there. Me with the constant thoughts of self-loathing. You mix my insecurities with the language and treatment Uncle YUki instilled in me, and you get the perfect disaster of depression and anxiety. I always felt myself up on my toes, trying to stay afloat from all of these expectations and pressure from myself and my surroundings that it took a lot from me until I realized it too late. I always felt empty. No matter how much fun I tried to have when I’m with you. Whenever I feel so happy, I get scared because I know fate would get back at me through making me miserable doubly so because I was happy. So I never wanted to assume. I never let myself be happy. I was scared of showing this side of myself to anybody because I know it’d be a bother. There are times when I couldn't understand this feeling. One moment I’d be functioning properly, and the next, I am a crying miserable mess. It also frustrates me more because I can’t pinpoint what happened and I try to fight it until it eats me whole. Sometimes I just wanted to have physical pain rather than feel the repetitive emotional and mental pain. Ergo…” she raised her bandaged wrists as she laughed dryly. “It got to the point wherein I started to feel disappointed for waking up every day. Because I knew everything would be a lot better if I just left this world. I was too tired to fight this feeling inside, for trying to figure out how to get rid of it so that I can fight another shitty day, for pretending I am fine when all I wanted is to just feel silence… to feel peace.” thinking about the emotions she felt made her teary eyed. She looked at Taiga. She cannot read what’s in his eyes, but she knew he didn’t like what he was hearing because his frown could scare people off. The moment she opened up to Taiga, she couldn’t seem to stop. 

“There were times when I wanted to punch the person I was looking at the mirror. Whenever I see my reflection, I get so annoyed for being so weak, for being so useless. I was already there when I would gladly welcome the darkness, its heavy pull on me, because I thought maybe, just maybe, if I let it consume me and take me, maybe they’d give me peace. That night, I wasn’t able to say goodbye to you because I knew you would sense something was wrong and force your way to my thoughts and I just literally gave up on myself that night. I have been in therapy for this for so long, yet it gets worse most of the time so I decided to silence everything for good…” She felt tears flow down her cheeks and she could feel a sudden dip beside her and before she could react, Taiga’s hands shot out and reached for her, pulling her for a tight hug. Her eyes widened as she realized that Taiga was shaking. 

“Taiga…” She could feel him shake his head on her shoulders. He held her tighter. “I understand. I get it, already. Don’t hurt yourself anymore by remembering.” he softly said as he held her closer. Nanami was shocked at his reaction.  _ He didn’t hate me. He just listened to me until I got everything out and he chose to stay… _

Nanami hugged him back as relief washed over her and she cried. “I’m so sorry, Taiga. I didn’t mean to hurt you this way. I am so sorry.” He kissed her temple as he nodded. “It’s alright. I understand. I’m here, I won’t go anywhere. This darkness you’re telling me doesn’t matter. You’re still you. You’re still our Nanami.” He pulled away only to stare at her eyes as he swore, “You’re not alone in this, Nanami. Even if it’s your battle with yourself, let me help you. Let us help you get back the things you lost, or better yet, replace them with something you really deserve. I can’t control your decisions, but I can try my best to help influence you to make a choice to let yourself heal, Nanami. I can’t fix your problems for you, but I can always give you a leg up in starting.. In  _ trying _ to move forward.” 

She smiled and nodded as she buried her face into the comforts of his wide chest. “I am one lucky gal to have you beside me, Taiga. Thank you. For always finding me.” 

He chucked her head lightly as he tightened his hold on her. “We’ve been with each other for a long time and you’re just remembering now my old promise with you? I’ll always find you, Nanami. No matter how dark you are afloat in the darkness, I’d do everything in my power to pull you into the light.” 

“I don’t understand why you’d go to that extent for me…” she muttered. Kagami also didn’t know why, but it was as if it came naturally to him. Vignettes of memories from their childhood flashed in his mind, showing how Nanami protected him from anybody or anything that tried to hurt him and him doing the same. Although Nanami had the more contribution since he used to get into fights a lot with his temper. He knew that if their situations were reversed, Nanami would do this for him a thousand times better. 

“It’s normal isn’t it? If it were to happen to me, you’d never let me go.” he stated. She laughed at that. “Nah, I’ll leave you dead.” 

“O-oi!” 

iii. 

The following days were peaceful and uneventful as Nanami waited for the doctor’s signal to let her go home. She hasn’t answered Uncle Kagami’s offer yet and the old man, she could tell, was getting anxious partly because he was so excited to plan a life for Nanami. As much as they were only connected through her parents’ acquaintance, Uncle Kagami wanted to adopt her if only he could. But she knew she could no longer delay the wait for him anymore. She needed to decide on this soon enough. 

She thought about all of this as she sat in her bed with Todd beside her. “Your brows are crunched up together again.” he noted. She looked at him and smiled. “I’m thinking of something I wasn’t able to finish yet.” she clued in. Todd’s eyebrows were raised as he wanted to know what but she shook her head. She raised her arms, telling him to proceed with the discussion of her therapy. 

“I understand you finally opened up to your constants about your current condition.” Todd said. “Can I broach on the topic regarding one of them?” he asked. You nodded. “Ah, don’t think of it as me trying to pry. Because given your condition, we need a solid support system for you. I want to know and gauge if they’re worth it to be one. Will that be alright?” 

Nanami nodded. Her agreement seemed to please him since his eyes shined when she agreed. 

“Okay then. Well, Nanami. Tell me something about Kagami Taiga.” 

She barked a laugh at that. Once she made that sound, Kagami came rushing in the door and peeking his head in he asked if she was okay. She laughed more. “Yes, now please, go out first!” Kagami frowned and left. 

“Taiga, huh. Well, he has been there for as long as I can remember. He’s been an integral part of my life. I’ve known him since we were just little kids. We’ve been inseparable ever since. People used to think that we are polar opposites, but his dad and his mom usually say that I am the one that balances that person. He knows me too well sometimes it scares me, but I do the same with him. He’s a complete idiot in a lot of things, but he’s very reliable. All of the time. He seems like a big chunk of teenage angry spirit, but he’s really a softie.” Todd could notice how she holds this man close to her heart enough for her to expose her darkest thoughts.

“You hold him that close to your heart, huh.” Todd mentioned. “Yes. I hold him close enough for me to drop everything I am doing and rush to him as fast as I could if he needed me.” she answered. “Close enough to consider moving to Japan to start anew?” he added.

“Yes, close enough for me to accept the offer to live and start fresh in Japan… and I will” she answered with finality and certainty. She was shocked at how sure she was that she wanted to live in Japan. She had been thinking about it a moment ago and now the answer came to her swiftly as if it was the easiest decision to ever be made. 


	5. Five: Adapting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **WARNING:** This story contains themes of depression, suicide, suicidal thoughts, and anxiety. Please proceed reading at your own risk.
> 
>  **AUTHOR’S NOTE:** We’re gonna be switching the POVs to first person already since the bulk of the story will start in this chapter. This chapter is where Kagami and Nanami say hello to Japan. There might be inconsistencies based on the order and stuff from the series and manga, but I’ll try my best to inject Nanami in Taiga’s life properly. :) This is also where Nanami meets our fluffy Kuroko Tetsuya. I wanted to give it a twist a bit.

i.

_ “You got everything with you, babe?” Alex asked me as she helped me put on my jacket before we headed to the airport. I take one last glance at my apartment. My small haven for years. There were a lot of things amiss as they were transported to Japan beforehand, but the heavy furniture and other things are still there. It was as if it said that I may have to leave the house for a while, but I will always have this haven to return to. I sighed and nodded. It has been a month since I got discharged and I agreed to go and study in Japan with Taiga, and I never I knew I’d feel so excited to leave the place I recognized as a home… For all that it was, this place was where I grew up in and a lot of memories were also made in this place. Yet, as I am preparing to leave to live a life somewhere else, I can’t help but feel ecstatic.  _

_ I’ll be gaining a few moments of freedom. Away from the watchful eyes of my uncle, from expectations of people as the heir of Eiri Company… I can live like a normal teenager… even if I have to bring some heiress work to Japan while studying, it’s fine. As long as I am far away from those watchful and judgmental eyes, I will be okay. I hope.  _

_ “Nan, you ready?” Taiga stood by the door as he started to bring his huge luggage outside my apartment. Alex was the only one who would see us off together with Taiga’s mom and dad, but I got a message from Big Bro Tatsu wishing me goodbye and a half assed apology that he couldn’t see me off.  _ He must’ve argued badly with Taiga.  _ But it was fine because he told me he would see me soon. He better. I took one last look at my home as I smiled at Alex and pulled my luggage and went outside the door.  _

_ Moments later, after saying tearful goodbyes to Uncle and Aunt Kagami as well as Alex, taiga and I stood in line for the boarding. I couldn’t help but cry and I felt his arms wrap around me. “We’ll see them again soon. We can always travel back during our school breaks, you know.” he softly said to comfort me. I rubbed my nose in his sweater, inhaling the most familiar scent I have always known since we were kids. “I’m just sad…” I mumbled. “About what?” He parted my bangs as I looked up at him, placing my chin on his chest.  _

_ “Because I’m going to live with you and that’s gonna be a mess.” I teased and he blushed as he flicked my head.  _

_ “Shut up!” he said as he laughed himself.  _

ii.

TWO YEARS LATER

“My name is Eiri Nanami. I grew up in America, but Japanese has always been inculcated in my language and little bit of custom. Pleased to meet you all and let’s get along this year.” I bowed as I introduced myself to my new class in highschool. It didn’t come to me as a surprise that Taiga is my classmate for this year as we entered our highschool together. He sat by the 2nd to the last row, 2nd column to the window as he stared at me and introduced myself. I was directed to sit by the back, the column by the window. I sat beside a very quiet boy with blue hair and blue eyes. I stared out the window as our homeroom teacher discussed some reminders before he ended the period. 

It has been 2 years since I left my life behind America, and so far life has been quiet and peaceful so far. I still get some waves of darkness in me, but they’re not as intense as I was in America. Probably it’s also because Todd kept correspondence with me all this time and continued to check on me if I was still drinking my medicines. I guess the fresh slate Uncle Kagami mentioned did help. Here in Japan, I was able to enjoy my youth as much as I could no matter how business still popped in now and then. I was more free here because only a few people recognize my company's brand and recognize me as the main model. The campaigns for my marketing for that product is on hold as Uncle Yuki wanted me to grasp my roots first here in Japan before he made me start working on stuff for the company’s business. I held my arms as I looked at how fitting my uniform is from hiding the scars. Summer’s gonna come soon though, so I have to think of ways on how to hide my scars. Before we went to school once we arrived here in Japan, Taiga’s mom and dad sent me cute bandages for my scars just in case I wanted to hide them since apparently, during summer, our uniforms change to summer styled ones. At first I was adamant on using them, but I knew that it would attract the attention of lots of people and I am unsure if topics such as these were not normal in Japan either, so I decided to hide them. So far, my cute bandages were cute enough for the people to notice and they kept noticing the designs and forgot to ask what exactly was I wrapping in them. 

When we first enrolled in school here in Japan, I was worried that people might talk because of the fact that Taiga and I live together, but they accepted that fact without batting an eyelash. Because of the mere fact that Uncle Kagami was my secondary guardian, they accepted it as a thing that Taiga and I were basically siblings so it wasn’t a big deal. The change in environment never diminished the closeness Taiga and I had. We were basically still close, confidants in anything and everything. However, the thing that changes would be that his protectiveness towards me doubled. I have no idea why, but he would literally growl at young boys who would like to befriend me. However, Taiga’s overprotectiveness to me resulted in him being feared by half of our class, but I tried making friends as much as I could. He sometimes told me that I kept to myself too much, but I disagreed as I usually have friends and I hang out with them during lunch if he’s unavailable. I made enough friends here than I did in America. I’m glad they don’t see me as a competition in anything. One thing I loved about Japan is how principled and respectful people are. Two years have passed and not once did I look back and felt embarrassed with what I have done. Yet I know in my heart that I am far from being healed. In fact, I had this huge feeling that the healing would be very complicated one as I progress my life here in Japan, but I know that given my solid support system, I would be okay. 

I hope. 

~

The day passed by as quickly as it could and I was fixing my things back in my bag as I prepared to go to the library and borrow some books when Taiga approached my desk. I looked up at him and fixed my glasses as I prepared for something he had to say. 

“What?” I asked. “Have you decided on a club yet, Nan?” I blinked at that. “Club? Oh no, I decided not to get one for this year. I’d rather just read a book and stay at home after classes, Taiga. I can feel that Uncle Yuki would start on asking me to make business decisions for the company and I’d need to balance my time here at school for that.” I smiled as I zipped my bag close. I swung my bag on my shoulders and looked again at Taiga. 

“You’ll be applying for the basketball team, aren’t you?” I teased. He blushed a bit as he rubbed his neck. “Of course! How difficult can Japan’s basketball be? Besides, it’s the only thing I’m good at.” 

“It’s the only thing you KNOW you’re good at. Stupid.” I laughed. “Are you heading home, or dine straight to Maji Burger?” I asked as I walked past him, following some of our classmates outside the room. 

“Will you come with me and eat dinner there?” Taiga asked. I considered it and nodded. I have been craving for some vanilla milkshake anyway. “But the kind onii-chan in the library helped me reserve some books. I’ll just get them first and search for some management books I can take home and study. I’ll follow you there in Maji. Save me a seat.” I tiptoed and kissed his cheek as I rushed off to the library, ignoring his protests. 

iii. 

THE NEXT DAY

The front lawn of the school was packed with students in various tables and booths as they screamed and showcased their posters for their clubs. Extracurricular programs in school in Japan have always been a norm. Knowing how dedicated the Japanese are with their work, I understood why they’re so passionate in their club activities. It was refreshing to be in this kind of culture. It makes me feel more motivated. However, I chose not to be in any clubs because I didn’t know if I am ready to commit to the duties yet. Given that I might get a relapse all of a sudden, it’s hard to be in a club when you’ll suddenly get disinterested and it would definitely appear unprofessional of me to be like that. I also have to think about the amount of attention work would bestow on me once Uncle Yuki gives the go signal. 

I watched them all as I stared at various people inquiring. I smiled as I remembered Taiga leaving the house early because he wanted to see the basketball club immediately. I bet he already registered his name. It was good for him to be in a club, too. He needed to be beaten with some humility. When it comes to basketball, he thinks he could crush anybody given the fact that he had faced the worst in America. But I know this isn’t the case here. Taiga is a sweetheart to a fault, but his confidence in other matters such as basketball painted him a jerk. And he is. He knows how good he is and he is too proud of it. I hoped that by joining this club he might be taught a lesson or two. I heard our school’s basketball team is new, but strong. He’d be very interested in that. I also hoped that it would preoccupy him with something else other than protecting me too much. Sometimes I find him so suffocating yet, it comes naturally for him given what happened before we left America. I wanted him to find his place here. I don’t want to be somebody he needs to watch over, it would be a bad thing for him to dedicate his life in helping me heal when he misses out on the fun things for his own life also. Sometimes, I wished he’d get a girlfriend so that he’d be preoccupied with something else, but he never even stared at any other girls before… as far as I know. 

I approached the library as I wanted to give back the book the kind onii-chan reserved for me and I went to look at the shelves to find a new book I can read. I have loved libraries ever since I was a kid. I loved the smell of books and the silence the place gave me. If I wasn’t moping around at home, I would hide here until I escaped my cruel world with the books that I have been reading. I sat by the desk near the window as I read a book I pulled out from the historical section and started to read. 

I could hear the door open and close and somebody stood and pulled a chair near the desk I was in. I looked up in impulse and I was greeted with blue eyes looking back at mine. “Good morning, Eiri-san.” he politely greeted. It was my seatmate at class, Kuroko Tetsuya. I nodded and smiled, “Good morning, Kuroko-kun. Reading so early as well? Not interested in the club booths outside campus?” I softly inquired as I leafed through the pages of the history book I took. I felt him stand up from his seat and move close to mine. I looked up at him. “Can I sit beside you before we go to class? I am kind of interested in the book you’re reading.” he said. This is weird… He never was the type to start a conversation, but maybe it’s because of the book I was holding so I shrugged and nodded and pointed to the seat beside me. “Sure. You also like history books?” I inquired as I pushed my book close to him as he also leafed through the pages. I could see him nod as he browsed with me. Kuroko has always been a quiet and polite person. He would engage in casual conversations with our classmates and he was so polite. I sometimes want to break his facade, but I think he’s really just like this. His presence is too small for people to notice him immediately and he ends up surprising people. Even Taiga doesn’t pay attention to him that much. Probably because he never noticed him. 

“Did you join any clubs, Kuroko-kun?” I inquired. He slowly looked at me and the pile of other books that I grabbed that was supposed to be a supplement knowledge for my management skills. He then looked straight at me as he smiled. “Yes, I signed up for the basketball club.” My eyes widened at that. Huh… I hope Taiga won’t bully this guy. 

“My friend also applied in that club. I wish you guys good luck! I wanna watch you guys play a game together sometime. That’d be very interesting.” He was going to answer when the warning bell for the start of homeroom rang. We both stood up and gathered up the things and went to class. 

iv.

Days have gone by and Taiga has started to be preoccupied with basketball practice. The longer he took their practices, the longer I was able to spend my time in the library studying or finishing homework while I waited for him. It was fun to watch the first years get into the team. There was a time they got scolded since they shouted their goals and their names and classes in front of the entire student body during the morning exercise. Kuroko wasn’t able to shout his part, but the next day, seeing the “We will be no. 1 in japan’ writing by the track and field, Taiga and I knew it was him. I don’t know how or why, but Kuroko and I became friends after that moment we had in the library and would lend each other books from time to time. It was also nice to see Taiga warm up to him even though they sometimes argue a lot… Well only on Taiga’s end because Kuroko’s deadpan statements would always annoy Taiga. They were a nice pair, if I can be honest. 

The bell for fifth period rang as my class stoof inside the gym. We were wearing our gym uniforms as our professor explained to us that the activity would be a simple play of basketball. We will be graded based on our team’s victory. The team who loses would still be given credit, however it wouldn’t be as great as the grade of the winning team. Knowing this made our class fired up. I was not too much of a sporty gal, but I played with Taiga when we were in America so I was basically aware of the rules and some movements needed for this. It may be a hassle because of my short stature, but I could shoot some hoops. 

One catch for this game is that Taiga and Kuroko won’t be participating anymore since they were part of the basketball club. This would eliminate the unfairness of having skilled people in our teams so that nobody would get handicapped. I watched Taiga stand so proudly by the side of the court, Kuroko silently standing beside him. 

“Show off.” I murmured. 

“Alright, class. This game will be a bit special since I invited people from the basketball club to observe your game. This is no recruitment period, but I wanted to participate in this activity to help you guys gain endurance and movement. Basketball is the way to target both.” he announced with his loud voice and the gym door opened to show Aida RIko, the coach and the rest of the basketball club. We all greeted them politely and Taiga and Kuroko greeted them. I watched the interaction of the team and Taiga’s behavior as he was being reprimanded again for not using honorifics. My heart warmed with the view as I finally felt that Taiga was home. In America, he played endlessly with children taller than him, even different in races, yet I saw his eyes after each game. They would congratulate him on his team’s victory or invite him over for another play at the court, but they never stayed and befriended him outside the court. He would have this sad look in his eyes but would be flickered back to normal after a few moments. Now, watching him with the Seirin team, he looked like he belonged and he was finally comfortable. 

“Alright, everybody! Let’s start!” the coach boomed and we all moved. 

~

I watched our class play basketball with the team and I can say that I taught Nanami well. For a very small girl, she was able to carry herself well and even shoot the ball in the basket properly. I remembered how hard I taught her how to shoot when we were in America. She would leap up as she shot the ball because she couldn’t reach the ring enough. She was getting annoyed with how her team was positioning themselves hence I saw her strategizing in her mind and then she suddenly made her move. She started placing her teammates in positions that would benefit them and they were all wary at first bit when she passed the ball to the persons he intended to pass to, everything went smoothly. This happened for another 5 minutes of the game and her team is finally winning. I yelled and cheered for her. She smiled sweetly and stuck out her tongue. 

I looked at Kuroko and he was watching Nanami closely as if he noticed what she was doing when she started to strategize. “Kagami-kun, does Eiri-kun know how to strategize in a game?” He asked. I nodded. Suddenly I felt the hand of Coach on my shoulder. I looked at her and noticed that she was also watching Nanami. “Kagami, are you seeing what I am seeing?” She leaned in closer to me and the rest followed as if she was about to tell us a secret. I looked back at Nanami and she was outside the court, talking to one of her teammates, pointing within the court as she discussed her impromptu strategy to her team. 

“Kagami, that brunette with the gray eyes… Does she strategize a lot?” Coach asked. “Tell me more about her.” she added. 

What the hell? 

“Ah. Well, Nan has been trained for business for a long time, so she has the rare talent of strategizing things. She would often strategize my team’s games when we were in America. She basically does that in her sleep. She can manage a lot of people too since her uncle back there wanted her to take over her own company.” I told them. They all turned to her as the strategy she gave worked and she was leaping up and down as they scored another point. 

“Amazing.” was all they murmured. 

What the heck is going on? Why are they looking at her as if she’s some kind of prospect? The gym professor finally ended the game and announced that Nan’s team won and we could hear the class cheer for them. I reached for the towel she made me hold as she came to me for the water bottle she left at my feet. 

“Nice game.” Kuroko and I said at the same time. She looked so happy with her flushed cheeks from all the exercise she had during the game. “It was so fun! I never played that long, but man, telling them where to go after observing their movements for the first few minutes was worth it, Taiga. Did you see?” She beamed at me. I smiled softly and I could hear the chortles of the team behind me. “ _ SHE MADE HIM SMILE? BAKAGAMI CAN LOOK LIKE THAT?”  _ The other team members said. I ignored them. 

Suddenly, a hand reached out to touch hers as she extended it to give back the towel to me as she noticed her shoes were untied. Nanami looked shocked at the contact as she turned to the Coach and looked straight at her. 

“Aida Riko, Seirin’s Coach. Nice to meet you.” Coach quickly introduced herself. Nanami smiled and nodded yet Coach never let go of her hands. “Nice to meet you, senpai. My name’s Eiri Nanami. I’m a classmate of Kuroko-kun and the idiot Taiga.” she replied. I saw Coach’s eyes glitter with interest and joy. 

“Hello, Eiri-kun. Say, have you tried to manage people and things before? Kagami mentioned how much you were trained for business.” Coach said. Nanami nodded and looked at me. “Yes, I was trained for business management and I find strategizing very interesting. Is there… a problem?” Nanami looked at me, Kuroko, and Coach. 

“I have a proposition for you.” Coach finally said as we all held our breaths. 

“Yes?” Nanami asked.

“Eiri-kun… would you like to be the basketball team’s manager?” Coach asked. 

“EHHHH?!” and everyone went wild. 


	6. Six: Persuasion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AUTHOR’S NOTE: Sorry, this chapter was too long. I wanted to properly lay out the path that Nanami will be choosing because I wanted to introduce her to the other Kiseki no Sedai babes already in the succeeding chapters. So excited when she meets Aomine! ^^ Thanks for sticking with me through these chapters. I know, the flow is quite slow, but I’m trying my best to make the story unfold a bit faster.

_ I looked at Taiga’s basketball coach in surprise as all the members were panicking over her offer. Apparently, the basketball club of Seirin didn’t have a manager. The coach took care of all the things that a manager should since nobody was interested enough, or maybe, nobody passed the calculating eyes of the coach. After all, Aida Riko was not known for accepting people based on simple looks and potential. She was a perfectionist and she wanted the best team in her empire. The rumors I have been hearing about her not accepting anybody to be a manager was indeed true. From what I deducted from the shock and reaction of her members, it was not a question nor a request, but it was a blatant invitation. As she held my hand and her stare levelled with mine, I knew this would be difficult to refuse.  _

_ But I can’t commit to anything like this at all. If she wanted a perfect manager for her team, then this wasn’t me. I am far from perfect, I won’t live up to her expectations. Thinking about this as we both stared at each other made me awaken the sleeping dark pit in me as my mind started to reel with thoughts that the dark pit loved to devour. I could feel the panic and negativity set in the longer Aida senpai held my hand. I can feel the coldness seep through me again.  _

_ I closed my eyes in a desperate attempt to block them off.  _ Not here, not now. 

_ I was supposed to say my refusal when Aida-san sensed my hesitation so she cut me off before I was able to tell her my rejection. “You’re good friends with Bakagami, right?” she asked. I nodded. “Great. Come by the gym one time. Just observe and watch. That’s all I ask of you. For now.” She said and she suddenly let go of my hands and she turned to leave the gym leaving me, Taiga, and Kuroko-kun staring after her.  _

_ “Ah, I’m sorry. That woman is just plain direct. Please pardon her actions, I hope you don’t take offense.” A guy with glasses apologized as he bowed and started to go after Aida-san. The rest of the team took their turns in bowing their apologies before they left until the three of us were the only ones in the gym.  _

_ “Eiri-kun. Please consider visiting us in the gym. We’ll show you what we’re made of right, Kagami-kun?” I heard Kuroko-kun say to me as he pulled Taiga out of the gym as the bell for the new class period rang.  _

_ I nodded quietly as my head buzzed with things I didn’t want to awaken. I silently followed suit as I prepared for the new class.  _

~

Finally the day for school has come to an end and I watch Kuroko-kun and Taiga prepare their things as they begin to go to their club practice. I thought they forgot about the offer that their coach gave me until Kuroko-kun paused at the doorway and looked back at me. He said nothing but he held my stare and I was too shocked to look away. Kuroko-kun was a gentle boy, but he could be firm and persuasive if he wanted to. Taiga noticed Kuroko looking at me and he looked back at me, already understanding what Kuroko’s stare meant. 

“Nan, I’m not gonna or we’re not gonna force you to join as the manager. But maybe you can give us a chance to show you what the team really is like?” Taiga said. Kuroko nodded. I started to feel the dark pit swirl in me as I got nervous. I was so scared to commit to this because I could already feel the pressure and high expectations being a manager would entail. And being the me I am now, I am not sure if I can live up to their expectations and it would be an embarrassment for Taiga, and a big disappointment to his team. I don’t want to be a cause of tension or even bother due to my incompetence. 

I’m just scared of simply fucking up. 

It seemed silly, since it was just a simple position for a manager. I wanted to be a part of something so bad when I came here in Japan, and this was a chance to be in, but I am too scared to take this step forward. It seemed to be a big leap for me. I kept thinking of what if I don’t help them or serve them well. I would be such a big failure and it would confirm all the things I hate about myself. 

I could feel the dark pit in me rejoice as I devour my mind with negative thoughts and too many what ifs that I failed to recognize that Taiga was no longer by the door looking at me, but was in front of me as he held my face to snap me out of my anxious reverie. 

“Look at me.” his voice broke through my thoughts; gentle and firm. It was only then that I noticed myself shaking. I shook my head as I closed my eyes. 

“Nan, look at me.” he said again. I took a deep breath and stared at him. Looking at his eyes was so comforting. Looking at him made me forget that Kuroko was by the door watching and witnessing this strange skinship. I almost forgot what I was anxious about. 

“Don’t listen to the voice. Try to fight it.” He murmured as he waited for me to nod my agreement. 

“I’m not going to force you to come, but if you want to, then go. Think of it as nothing but a simple peek in a stinky play of boys and basketball. Nothing more, and nothing else.” he continued. I smiled as he made that childish remark about their game. 

“One visit. One game. That’s all it is.” he said. I nodded as I slowly calmed down and repeated what he said. 

_ One game. One visit.  _ Nothing more, nothing less.  _ Stinky ball game of boys.  _

ii.

I had a hunch, but I had to continue observing her before I was certain. 

The moment I saw her sit down by the floor outside the basketball court, I knew she automatically observed the team as we played. I told her it was a simple audience invitation for the team’s play, but I knew this was what Coach asked her to do.  _ Try observing my team and see for yourself how interesting we are.  _

Yet I knew she hesitated. She was afraid. Of what, I have no idea. But I was sure she wanted to accept the position, but she was holding back. I knew her anxiety was triggered with the pressure the team placed on her when Coach asked her to be the manager. Everybody in the campus knew Coach never picked anybody so plainly to be the manager because she required the best people in the team. She wouldn’t ever settle for less. To think that she would pick Nan was a shock to us all. 

Nanami had skills in strategy that were definitely exemplary for our age. The best thing about her training in business in America was that she was able to apply this in her daily life. In order for her to master this skill, she applied it in my games whenever she came along when I played in the streets, she also did it in her academics. My old man mentioned to me before when we were dining at home that once Nanami fully embraced her position as the heiress for her company, the business will definitely thrive. She had skills in business that can match the skills of her uncle, maybe even surpass him. And watching her put those skills into use as she was doing a mere observation proved to me and to everybody else who was observing her that she was perfect for the job. 

And Coach would not take no for an answer. 

There was something in the way Coach stared at Nan that made me know that she was thinking of approaching her in a different way. Perhaps she noticed Nan’s hesitation and her fear when she asked her once in the gym. This was a different kind of persuasion because she didn’t use the normal tactics on her. It was as if they’re both playing a strategic game that we can’t follow. Coach knew that Nanami had the fire in her and the passion that we can all use in the team. I know Coach noticed that winning Nan over wouldn’t be an easy task. 

I have known Nanami for years and I know that when she was this engrossed in just watching and observing something, this meant that she wanted to be a part of it all. However, she was being held back by her confidence in herself which results in her anxiety being triggered. I wanted to help her, but knowing that this is a battle that she needs to fight on her own, I can only be there to snap her out in a relapse and listen to her when she’s ready to tell me what’s been bothering her. After what she did last 2 years ago, every time she had episodes like these, she would always talk to me about it when everything was too overwhelming. I wondered if she would also talk to me about this episode as well. 

I was pulled out of my reverie when I felt Kuroko stare at me. I raised my eyebrows as we drank water. 

“Kagami-kun, is Eiri-kun okay?” he asked out of concern. I wiped my face with the towel I brought before I answered. “I- Actually, I am not sure.” I admitted. We walked away from where Nanami sat as we took a break before we engaged in another training regimen from Coach. Kuroko stared at Nanami and the other members who tried to talk to her but she seemed to be too shy. 

“She’s hesitant about joining.” Kuroko stated. I nodded. “She told me she won’t engage in any clubs this year because she’ll be too busy.” I stated. 

“Is it really because of that?” he said. I looked over at Kuroko to let him explain further what he meant by that. “I have been close with her since the school started and I have never seen her so interested in something the way she looks like when she’s watching the team pl--” his statement was cut short when we heard the door to the gym open suddenly and Nanami was running out from the gym. She didn’t even say goodbye nor even look at me. 

“Eiri-kun! Wait!” we heard Coach and Captain yell as they try and catch Nanami from leaving. What the hell happened? 

“Nan?” I yelled after her. She continued walking but she looked back at me and said “I-it’s nothing. I’ll see you later at home!” she answered and she ran. I looked back at the gym and saw everybody crowding as they watched Nanami leave. 

“What the hell happened?” I demanded. Coach stepped up, looking embarrassed and scared. “I’m sorry. Kagami we didn’t mean to pry. Koganei-kun noticed something in her wrists and asked her about it, we didn’t kn--” 

“You guys asked what’s on her wrists?!” I asked, surprised somebody noticed her scared when she was so careful of hiding them. No wonder she was so flustered and she was clinging on her sleeves as she ran. “Shit.” I cursed. 

“Kagami-kun.” Kuroko said warily. I rubbed my hands against my face and shook my head and looked at Coach. “I can’t tell why, but you shouldn’t have done that, Koganei-senpai.” I said. I looked down on the ground as I thought about how she must’ve felt when Koganei asked her about it. I knew he meant nothing about it, but she wanted to hide it from people because we don’t know how they’d react about it. 

“Well, there goes your chances of getting her to join the team…” Captain sighed sadly. Coach looked at him with worry and desperation in her eyes. “I gotta go to her. I have to apologize. She’s our best bet, Hyuuga. She’s more than capable!” she desperately whined. “I really wanted her to be part of the team…” she said dejected. “I was going to invite her to our practice game with Kaijo this weekend…” Coach whispered. 

I sighed. “I’ll try talking to her one last time.” 

“You guys are that close?” Izuki senpai asked. I nodded. “I’ve known her for a long, long time since we were in diapers. I’ll try and persuade her to come, but I cannot promise you she will. I can’t force her into something she doesn’t want to do.” I said as we all got back in the gym to fix all the things we used and head home. 

~

“Please give my regards to Eiri-kun, Kagami-kun.” Kuroko said as he waved goodbye as we separated from our walk back to our homes. I nodded and I headed back to my apartment. 

I fumbled through my pockets to find my apartment key and when I entered the house, it was dark except for the dim lights and the lamps that Nanami turned on. Everything in the house was untouched; they looked the way we left them this morning. I glanced at her shoes as I removed mine and noticed that her house slippers were not where it was this morning. So she went home. “Nan?” I called out. No answer. I walked across the living room to check on the kitchen if she ate but the sink and the table was empty. She must be in her room. I sighed and went to the bathroom for a bath before I looked for her.

After I took a bath and changed my clothes, I noticed her uniform was in the dirty laundry basket which means she retired early in her room. After 2 years of living with her, I knew that when she wanted to be alone, she would just shut herself out in her room, but she never locked her doors on me. One thing that improved in our relationship after what happened in America was that she was willing for my presence to be with her even if she didn’t want to talk. Knowing that my mere presence gave her comfort somehow made me feel better. But this time, I knew she would need an outlet with her emotions, so I decided to go to her room. 

I stood outside her door and I softly knocked. “Nan, you in here?” no answer. I decided that I’d go in and talk to her or just be with her no matter what. I turned the knob and opened her door and I was welcomed in darkness. There were no lights that were turned on inside her room, the only illumination that we got was the moonlight that was entering through the window beside her bed. I looked at her all curled up in bed, wrapped in a blanket. She seemed to be sleeping, but the way her brows were drawn together made me think otherwise. 

She’s thinking again. 

I sighed and padded across to her bed and went and laid down beside her. I turned to my side, facing her as I just watched her lie there, waiting for her to move. I didn’t touch her, nor say anything. I just waited. It took us a full 5 minutes when she finally opened her eyes and turned to me but what she did next surprised me. 

She made a full turn on her side to face me and she laid her head on my chest as she hugged me. This was such an intimate move from her. I couldn’t recall how long since we have done this when we were kids, but we never did this again when we moved back to Japan. I began to blush, but I calmed myself down as I realized that this was Nanami. She always found comfort in giving skinships, though she gave them rarely. She sighed. I wrapped my arms around her and patted her head and back as a sign of comfort. “A penny for your thoughts?” I finally asked. She suddenly looked up at me from where her head lay and she smiled.

“I’m sorry. I was pathetic back there.” she murmured. I shook my head. “Koganei-senpai was very remorseful of what he did. He didn’t mean ill about it, he’s just an idiot sometimes.” I reasoned out with her. I felt her head move to a nod as she laid her head back again on my chest. 

“What’s troubling you, Nan?” 

“I’m scared of committing to being your club’s manager.” she admitted. “Why?” 

“I might not be able to be the manager that your coach wants. I mean, you guys never had a manager because the coach wanted the perfect fit for the role, right? She said. “Doesn’t that mean that she thinks you are the perfect fit? Nan, you’re an amazing strategist and a manager by heart. Even Kuroko believes that you’re good.” I reasoned out. 

“Is your mind noisy again, Nan?” I added. She froze at my question as she started to trace the prints on my shirt. She sighed. “Yes. I felt pressure, then I thought that no matter how bad I want to be in that team… I will fail you guys if I get sick or get relapses while I’m working on it. I don’t wanna be a bother because of my sickness, Taiga. I want to be normal, but I know there will be times that I won’t be functioning well and I can’t control it, no matter how hard I try. A few would understand… but I don’t want to live with always relying on people understanding my sickness.” she said. 

What she said made sense, but I need to tell her that she’s thinking too far ahead of all of this. She’s already predicting what will happen when we all have no idea if it would. I took a deep breath and held her tighter. 

“Taiga, I can’t breathe!” she complained. “Listen to me first.” I started. She stopped struggling. 

“I will not force you, nor tell you what you want to do about this, but Nan, listen to this. I want you to know how much we believe in your capabilities and how much we want you in this team. I have known you since we are in diapers, so I know how well you’ll take this seriously. I know you’re scared because of what you’re going through right now, but I think the coach will understand, if you tell her. You don’t have to put your wall up too high for people who would have the potential and the capability to help you.” She looked up at me with that. 

“Tomorrow’s a practice game with the Kaijo team, and I think Coach invited you to come and observe and show her what you’re made of; though you already did show that the moment she saw you play during our gym class.” I added. I kissed her forehead as she yawned. “Think about it, Nan. Don’t be afraid.” I yawned back. 

“Sometimes, these noises in our heads block off the things that matter. And we both know… that right now, that team can show you a place where you can belong… Just like it did to me.” I said. 

I thought she was already asleep, yet she answered softly, “Wow, Taiga. For an idiot, you sometimes say the deepest things.” 

“O-oi! I’m not an idiot!” And she laughed. 

iii. 

“Everybody’s here?” The Coach asked as we all walked at the entrance of Kaijo as Kise met with us and led us to the gym. I was a bit hyped for the game since this was the first face-off that I’ll have with one of the Generation of Miracles. 

“Kagami-kun, how was Eiri-kun?” Kuroko asked me as we changed into our jerseys and prepare for the game. “Ah, I talked to her last night, but I wasn’t able to tell if she’ll show up today or not. Either way, at least I’m fine with her feeling better. I left her this morning and she was still asleep. I didn’t have the heart to wake her up.” I answered. 

“I see.” was all Kuroko said. 

We all went back to the court and was about to prepare for the game when we heard the male students who were watching the game murmur loudly. Even the Kaijo team stopped in their tracks as they stared at the gym door, their attention transfixed on something or someone that came in late. 

“WAH!” The coach yelled in surprise as she also turned to the person who came in. 

“I-I’m sorry, I’m late! I got lost around the campus, I didn’t know where the gym was!” I turned at the sound of Nanami’s voice and I couldn’t help the grin showing on my face.

She finally got through. 

“Are you Seirin’s manager?” Kaijo’s coach asked Nan. She looked at Coach first and smiled. I knew this smile. This was the smile of confidence she usually wore every time she dealt with something trivial liek business. 

She’s ready. She’s finally accepted the role. 

The coach gave her a smile and nodded. 

“Yes, sir. I'm the Seirin Basketball Team’s manager.” she answered. 


End file.
